This whole thing started as a joke, as
I mention in earlier blogs, but it turned into a journey of its own.
This journey to find love has taught me so much about people, love,
connections, and myself. On this path, I've hurt people and have been
hurt. It began to close myself off. It make me think love was
something only found in fairy tales that Disney had made up. From
this, I began to become afraid to show my true feeling and be honest
with who I am and what I wanted. I've done unmoral things in attempts
to feel things, some kind of connection or emotion from another. From
that, karma has found me. I've tired to be open and give myself but
instead I had just shown disrespect to myself and the vehicle in
which my spirit residents in. From all this hurt and pain, I lost my
true self. I become one of them. The people who are dark, closed off,
and self absorbed. I felt that love was just a game, like cat and
mouse, and it needed to be chased. So I chased, chased and chased,
pushing love so far away that all I got was the sugar coat vision of
fake love or envy. It was all about desire and no real connection. I
lost my self worth and identity.
Then I found something that gave me
back a piece of me. My career turned on a little light inside,
because as a massage therapist all you do is give light and love.
However, I didn't know how to give it to myself or recognized when the
real light was being given to me unconditional. I kept searching and
doing my own personal work. I learned to listen to the synchronicity of
life and go with the flow as much as possible. Then I began making
decisions that would guide me to actually seeing the light and
feeling it inside of me. I needed more wood to build my fire inside.
A fire doesn't keep going unless it is feed. And fear isn't the proper
fuel to make a roaring fire. Love is the proper fuel. Sometimes we
need a wake up call to make us realize what state we've put ourselves
in. Sometimes that wake up call can have repercussions, ones you may
have to deal with for the rest of your life.
Once my alarm went off and my ego was
set aside to a degree, and La Playa was introduced to my journey.
There I learned that love and positivity are truly the only way.
I've come to be aware that I'm not boy crazy as much as I thought I
was, but that I'm actually particular with the people I interact with.
I'm actually crazy about beauty. By beauty I mean honesty and
light. Some times beauty can play tricks on you, because beauty
comes in a physical form. The beauty I'm describing here residents
inside and shines through your physical being. Along with this I was
shown to love me, with all my darkness and light. To learn to not try
to change either, but to just be true to both and acknowledge them. To show your beauty you have to let it shine. Don't hide it
from the world. No one can take it from you, unless you let them. I never
needed some handsome guy to make me feel this way. It was there all
along, just didn't know how to unlock the cage I put myself in. Then
something clicked, I don't know how or when. It just did. Maybe it was
the wake call that started it all or maybe La Playa was the prefect
retreat. Once you love yourself truly, you want nothing more then to
give that love to others, especially people who are in the same
place as you. Someone who can give and receive in the same way as
yourself. Someone where there is just this connection you cant
explain. I think you know it when you see it. Its not that you see
more that you feel it. I've been lead to my true journey and real
desire. I wont be looking back. Here's to truth, loving yourself and
others.
Cheers
xoxo
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