Dear La Playa

Im writing this letter to thank you. Thank you for everything you provided and showed me. You helped break me down and build me back up. You made me realize I put blinders on. I was hiding from the world. I was hiding behind this shy girl, who I created, because I was afraid to break down walls and be bigger than the body I was given. I learned how to be compassionate once more. I was reminded of who I truly am. For that I will always be grateful.

I don't know if its the harassness of the environment, mixed with the surrounding beauty, or the way you are forced to go with the flow and rhythms of the universe, but something about this dried up lake bed helps you learn life lessons quickly. Many of those lessons being, to be present and to follow your heart's true desires. I'm grateful for all the connections I made while I was there. It made me believe once more and not to question my intuition. 

As the man and temple burnt, I left apart of me to blow away in the dust. I shed a layer of skin that was very necessary for my growth. I transfered into the woman I want to be, who wears her heart on her sleeve, but knows how to give that affection openly and freely. Not only do I thank La playa, but all who helped make it possible. I also thank all who helped fill my heart with light once more. I hope our paths do cross once again and not just once a year. But if it's only once a year or never again, then I wont let the memories fade. 

Love Always and Forever,

Andy

P.S. If you were a human being and not a piece of land, I would want to be in a loving commitment relationship with you. Since I can't, I hope the dust lingers as long as it can, so I have some physical form to hold onto. xoxo. Love is the only way.

There is brightness at the end of the tunnel.

This whole thing started as a joke, as I mention in earlier blogs, but it turned into a journey of its own. This journey to find love has taught me so much about people, love, connections, and myself. On this path, I've hurt people and have been hurt. It began to close myself off. It make me think love was something only found in fairy tales that Disney had made up. From this, I began to become afraid to show my true feeling and be honest with who I am and what I wanted. I've done unmoral things in attempts to feel things, some kind of connection or emotion from another. From that, karma has found me. I've tired to be open and give myself but instead I had just shown disrespect to myself and the vehicle in which my spirit residents in. From all this hurt and pain, I lost my true self. I become one of them. The people who are dark, closed off, and self absorbed. I felt that love was just a game, like cat and mouse, and it needed to be chased. So I chased, chased and chased, pushing love so far away that all I got was the sugar coat vision of fake love or envy. It was all about desire and no real connection. I lost my self worth and identity.

Then I found something that gave me back a piece of me. My career turned on a little light inside, because as a massage therapist all you do is give light and love. However, I didn't know how to give it to myself or recognized when the real light was being given to me unconditional. I kept searching and doing my own personal work. I learned to listen to the synchronicity of life and go with the flow as much as possible. Then I began making decisions that would guide me to actually seeing the light and feeling it inside of me. I needed more wood to build my fire inside. A fire doesn't keep going unless it is feed. And fear isn't the proper fuel to make a roaring fire. Love is the proper fuel. Sometimes we need a wake up call to make us realize what state we've put ourselves in. Sometimes that wake up call can have repercussions, ones you may have to deal with for the rest of your life.

Once my alarm went off and my ego was set aside to a degree, and La Playa was introduced to my journey. There I learned that love and positivity are truly the only way. I've come to be aware that I'm not boy crazy as much as I thought I was, but that I'm actually particular with the people I interact with. I'm actually crazy about beauty. By beauty I mean honesty and light. Some times beauty can play tricks on you, because beauty comes in a physical form. The beauty I'm describing here residents inside and shines through your physical being. Along with this I was shown to love me, with all my darkness and light. To learn to not try to change either, but to just be true to both and acknowledge them. To show your beauty you have to let it shine. Don't hide it from the world. No one can take it from you, unless you let them. I never needed some handsome guy to make me feel this way. It was there all along, just didn't know how to unlock the cage I put myself in. Then something clicked, I don't know how or when. It just did. Maybe it was the wake call that started it all or maybe La Playa was the prefect retreat. Once you love yourself truly, you want nothing more then to give that love to others, especially people who are in the same place as you. Someone who can give and receive in the same way as yourself. Someone where there is just this connection you cant explain. I think you know it when you see it. Its not that you see more that you feel it. I've been lead to my true journey and real desire. I wont be looking back. Here's to truth, loving yourself and others.

Cheers

xoxo

Its the worse when..

You have this sexy man, who is a prefect catch, staring at you , both of you knowing your not compatible or are in two different places in your life. The prefect catch being a nice, caring young man who is focused, smart, attractive, interesting, not only interested in men, connected, totally OK with himself, who likes to move his body, loves his family, and who will go listen to house music with you, because he some what enjoys it. When you have similar morals and belief, but one person is a night owl and the other is a early riser, things don't seem to always work out. Yet, Its such a shame , when you know that you could or would give up your life style for such a catch, but in the end the relationship would never last. One of you would be unhappy, because you weren't living the truth you felt you need to experience. Trust me when I say this, I've been there.

It just can be so frustrating, when you seem to be into completely the wrong guys. I think I've come to learn there is something you can learn from everyone. Also, You might be getting just that same vibe you put out to others. For example, you're a fun smart person who likes to let loose sometimes and get wild like an animal, but maybe the real honest truth is your not ready for the intense commitment and real thing just yet. Maybe you'll looking to have fun, get to know yourself a little more and maybe that fun intimate partner in crime can one day turn into the real thing. Or maybe you will just fall into something  and not even realize it. It could so happen you're just into the player time and sometimes you might just get player. No matter if you staring at the prefect catch or just some guy who has the ball, you should always follow your heart and how someone makes you feel, because in the end that is where the true chemistry lays.  

Cheers, Here's to love and an awesome new friendship with a prefect catch. Try your hardest not to be afraid to love, because its totally OK to be in love with someone. 

XO, 

Andy

Climbing partner

Recently I joined Planet Granite and started rock climbing, meaning I only boulder for now and I only go like once a week :/.  Anyhow, It is a great workout and lots of fun. It stimulates the mind and body. I love the challenge. The climbing community has intrigued  me and how it relates to meeting people.

I noticed whenever I meet new people, especially guys, we get on the subject of climbing, and they always mention how they are looking for a climbing partner. I know literally they mean they just want someone who will just belay them, but sometimes it feels like there's a deeper meaning behind it. It's as if they are putting it all out there, right away and straight to the point. Is it a sign of commitment? It totally feels like there is this underlining message, as if they mean business.  Like, "I don't fuck around, I'm a climber. I'm looking for someone who is just as serious about this sport/hobby as me, do you think you could commit to that?" Or,  "I'm looking for a climbing partner and I go a few times a week. What do you think? Want to meet up?"

Honestly, I have no idea how to take this statement. I freeze up and just say I'm a newbie who only boulders. Maybe that is a big sign that I don't know how to be a WE, but just only a ME.  Either way, I don't know if I'm ready to commitment to climbing with someone yet. It appears to be a lot of pressure. Then not only are you committing to that person, but you have to commitment to the sport by buying gear and all that jazz. Don't get me wrong, when I like some thing, I'm all about the commitment, sign me up. But, when you're just getting your feet wet in the shallow end,  it can be intimidating when a sexy men says he is looking for a climbing partner as he stares at you. It makes me just want to run the other direction and hide in a hole.

Maybe it some mental and physical push I just have to get over, just like climbing. You don't get better if you don't practice, right? Here's to completely a V2 next climb!

Dropping a bottle of hearts....

"Go where your heat takes you... Listen to your feelings and trust them. Let them guide you through life and it's choices. You might just find what you are looking for!," read the wine bottle called The Flying Heart. How could you resist buying a bottle that speaks to you this much, especially when your at a cross roads between your heart and your head. I should of seen the red flags when the clerk told me the wine was a little on the sweet side for a red, typically I favor more the bolt. Choosing the right bottle of wine can be just as important as choosing the right guy; However,  it appears getting the guy back to your pad is a lot easier then getting the right bottle home.

As I crossed the street, I thought to myself, I should be careful how I'm holding this bag. Right in that moment, yup, a bottle fell in the middle of the inner section, so I yelled in frustration. Luckily, it was just a little damaged. I went to grab the rest of my belongs, while holding the bottle between my legs. Then again the bottle fell, neck first, causing a crack big enough to create a leak. The question left on my mind was, "I hope the second bottle is worth it, and its not just a pretty face."

After getting home, it was time to open the thing and get the night started. As I assumed, the drama wasn't worth the pop. The bottle of wine was so confused. It didn't know what to be, sweet or tangy. So not only did my first heart crack in the middle of the street, but the second was a bust. Leaving me without any satisfaction for my efforts, it just so happens the Flying Heart was nothing more then a beautiful bottle with a miss leading inspiration.

 Walking home with a paper bag with two bottle of wine, is like wearing your heart on your sleeve. You have to thread lightly, when at a crossroad, or else you might end up with a bottle that isn't so tasty. The one paper bag that decides it wants to bail on you, teaches us that you should double bag your wine , when walking it home. Also, stop buying bottles, because they sound to good to be true. 

Sex and the city

So recently, I have been aware of the fact that I've been writing a blog that seems to be a ripe off of Carrie Bradshaw's column from sex in the city. But to honest, up until a few weeks ago, I had only seen about five episodes and the movie. I happen to be completely unaware I was mimicking a TV show, well at least consciously. I was possessed to watch all the session from start to finish, because a friend of mine told me if I wanted dating advice I need to start there. For some strange reason I took this advice. After about many hours and dollars spend on Amazon instant watch, I finished all 6 sessions about a week ago.

I came to realize that I was a mixture of all the leading women, but I feel most women are. I mean it wont have been a hit show in the 90's if single women couldn't relate to it. Yet, I related mostly to Samantha and Carrie, but mostly Carrie. Maybe it was for the fact that I have a blog, write and talk mostly about boys, well now I think I'm truly moving on to men. However, besides keeping an online dairy about my personal interaction with the opposite sex, I put the pieces together and realized I seem to have the same dating style as the main character. When it comes to having a good guy be into me I push them away by being crazy, or in some cases change who I am to please and keep a relationship with a man. For example, when Carrie stops smoking cigs for Aidan, or like the time when she was into the artist and he treated her like a prince yet their just was no spark. I seem to be into the guys I cant have, or the ones who wont ever be the one you want or need. But yet, Carrie cant seem to get Mr. Big out of her mind space and continuly goes back to him after all the hurtful and disrespectful things he does to her . All Carrie's friends dislike Big, except for good old Charlotte. Charlotte is the only one who thinks they were met to be. Well most of us know how it ends up, they get married.

Yet, that is such fiction. Here's to the real thing

Appearances are everything

Have you ever left your house without your face on or in your pj's? How did it make you feel? I use to think it never matter. I always figured if you ran into the love of your life, while buying items at your corner store in your pj's and no makeup on it, shouldn't phase anyone. That future husband or friend should be able to expect you at your worst and at you're best, yes this is true; however, I've been enlightened. I won't want to approach or start up a convo with the smelly person next to me, and as they say do onto others as you'd want done to you. It seems first impressions are more important that I had given them credit for. One should be in the best form when meeting new people, that increases the chance of someone wanting to have a second interaction with you.

As I traveled through the south of the united states, I notice all the women around appear to be in the best form, while I ran around with my comfy clothes on and the makeup  from the day lingering on my eyes. I felt inadequate and not with the highest self esteem. I think how we view ourselves contributes a lot to our self worth. It shows others what you think of yourself and how you want to be interpreted. No matter how funny, smart, and caring you are, no one will be able to get to see that when the first thing they notice is this girl doesn't care about herself enough to be presentable. Now I understand why my roomies never want to go to the store in the pj's, because you never know who ya'll run into going down the allies.

My biggest female role model in my life, my mother, brought it to my attention how I have left my inner hippie become my outer self. As, she says, “it looks like every time I see you, you look like never shower.” I guess I was saving getting ready for special occasions. While San Francisco has shown me a side of myself I wanted to embrace more then I knew, one shouldn't be so extreme even if you are. Its kind of a turn off. There is nothing wrong with having hippie morals and still showering, use those ideologies when shopping down the allies at your corner store. You never know when that special moment will come. P.S, If your 12 older cousin who is a tom boy can still mange to get up everyday and get cute, so can you. First role to finding the man of your dreams, be ready anytime for him to walk into life. But wearing makeup to the gym just wont ever happen for this girl, sorry, there is no need to clog anymore of my pores. Here's to any moment being ready for any special moment and finding your ideal love.

Cheers.