Sunday, September 16, 2012

The dusty glow


BRC is a magical wonderland that feeds the soul, leaving people with a certain glow. This glow tends to open up the heart and turn off the minds evil voice, ego. Life stresses appear to be the dimmer. As the high fades, the mind begins to stir. Hopefully, Decompression will bring back a little bit of the dusty glow I seem to be tightly holding onto. Reality is setting in and I think its time to let it go.  I don't want to though. 

As the ego awakes, it begins to take hold. I want to stop it. How I thought a part of it dried up during the days I was away. It turns out it was just asleep. Now its time to have the self control to shut it up on my own. If I cant shut it up and make it go away, then I must drowned it in positivity and love. Here's to hope and possibilities.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

We all have flaws

Have you ever been afraid of not being prefect? And realized that those imperfection are what make you who you are? This feeling is very strange. Its even stranger when you demonstrate those imperfections and have to realize you have them. Not only realize it, but have to own up to them, especial to someone you like. Typically people try their hardest to make people like them, instead of just being themselves. It's so easy to be attracted to someone, because there are so many beautiful people out there and there are many things to help aid  ones beauty, such as make up, etc. It's harder to actually form a true connection that goes deeper then lust. Anyone can just jump in the sheets and get to it. Trying to keep someone around, because you know about rhythms and are good at them, isn't that hard. But to try to form a connection and relationship base on more then just mutual attraction can be very exposing, to from a true connection, one has to be true to themselves and be open to being vulnerable.

Sometimes when you've been hurt or in a certain mind space, being vulnerable feels like pulling teeth. Being open to yourself, to others, and to your emotions is very challenging. Sometimes it hurts more then we can bear. It is very scary to show affection. When you begin to question do they like me, one tends to look at one's own flaws. Then the fear creeps in, and you think your flaws may out weigh your wonderful light. In reality, you need to look inside and say, “Hey you, you're awesome. If someone doesn't like you because you aren't perfect, then they aren't the one for you.” Realize that if this person doesn't like you for your flaws and vulnerable, the universe is just giving you a sign. Maybe you are suppose to realize the issues you have around relationships, such as trust. Maybe someone else is meant to fill their spot. And, hey, guess what, you will have more fantastic and mind blowing experiences in your life.  Hey, maybe its not you're lesson to learn, but you're helping someone else towards their awakening. Remember, things happen for a reason.

We all have flaws. Some people are better at hiding them. Some are also better at not admitting that they have them. But every one's shit stinks some times, don't forget that. I love my flaws, because they are just room for more improvement towards the person I'm suppose to be. Life is about change and adaption. The ones who can adapt, be open and love again are the ones who survive. Darwin was a genius. Survive of the fittest. Don't waste your energy on people who cant love you for your silly little flaws, like not being able to spell or miss using your words. Those little flaws make you that much more beautiful. Love yourself.  

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Dear La Playa


Im writing this letter to thank you. Thank you for everything you provided and showed me. You helped break me down and build me back up. You made me realize I put blinders on. I was hiding from the world. I was hiding behind this shy girl, who I created, because I was afraid to break down walls and be bigger than the body I was given. I learned how to be compassionate once more. I was reminded of who I truly am. For that I will always be grateful.

I don't know if its the harassness of the environment, mixed with the surrounding beauty, or the way you are forced to go with the flow and rhythms of the universe, but something about this dried up lake bed helps you learn life lessons quickly. Many of those lessons being, to be present and to follow your heart's true desires. I'm grateful for all the connections I made while I was there. It made me believe once more and not to question my intuition. 

As the man and temple burnt, I left apart of me to blow away in the dust. I shed a layer of skin that was very necessary for my growth. I transfered into the woman I want to be, who wears her heart on her sleeve, but knows how to give that affection openly and freely. Not only do I thank La playa, but all who helped make it possible. I also thank all who helped fill my heart with light once more. I hope our paths do cross once again and not just once a year. But if it's only once a year or never again, then I wont let the memories fade. 

Love Always and Forever,
Andy

P.S. If you were a human being and not a piece of land, I would want to be in a loving commitment relationship with you. Since I can't, I hope the dust lingers as long as it can, so I have some physical form to hold onto. xoxo. Love is the only way.

Monday, September 10, 2012

There is brightness at the end of the tunnel.



This whole thing started as a joke, as I mention in earlier blogs, but it turned into a journey of its own. This journey to find love has taught me so much about people, love, connections, and myself. On this path, I've hurt people and have been hurt. It began to close myself off. It make me think love was something only found in fairy tales that Disney had made up. From this, I began to become afraid to show my true feeling and be honest with who I am and what I wanted. I've done unmoral things in attempts to feel things, some kind of connection or emotion from another. From that, karma has found me. I've tired to be open and give myself but instead I had just shown disrespect to myself and the vehicle in which my spirit residents in. From all this hurt and pain, I lost my true self. I become one of them. The people who are dark, closed off, and self absorbed. I felt that love was just a game, like cat and mouse, and it needed to be chased. So I chased, chased and chased, pushing love so far away that all I got was the sugar coat vision of fake love or envy. It was all about desire and no real connection. I lost my self worth and identity.

Then I found something that gave me back a piece of me. My career turned on a little light inside, because as a massage therapist all you do is give light and love. However, I didn't know how to give it to myself or recognized when the real light was being given to me unconditional. I kept searching and doing my own personal work. I learned to listen to the synchronicity of life and go with the flow as much as possible. Then I began making decisions that would guide me to actually seeing the light and feeling it inside of me. I needed more wood to build my fire inside. A fire doesn't keep going unless it is feed. And fear isn't the proper fuel to make a roaring fire. Love is the proper fuel. Sometimes we need a wake up call to make us realize what state we've put ourselves in. Sometimes that wake up call can have repercussions, ones you may have to deal with for the rest of your life.

Once my alarm went off and my ego was set aside to a degree, and La Playa was introduced to my journey. There I learned that love and positivity are truly the only way. I've come to be aware that I'm not boy crazy as much as I thought I was, but that I'm actually particular with the people I interact with. I'm actually crazy about beauty. By beauty I mean honesty and light. Some times beauty can play tricks on you, because beauty comes in a physical form. The beauty I'm describing here residents inside and shines through your physical being. Along with this I was shown to love me, with all my darkness and light. To learn to not try to change either, but to just be true to both and acknowledge them. To show your beauty you have to let it shine. Don't hide it from the world. No one can take it from you, unless you let them. I never needed some handsome guy to make me feel this way. It was there all along, just didn't know how to unlock the cage I put myself in. Then something clicked, I don't know how or when. It just did. Maybe it was the wake call that started it all or maybe La Playa was the prefect retreat. Once you love yourself truly, you want nothing more then to give that love to others, especially people who are in the same place as you. Someone who can give and receive in the same way as yourself. Someone where there is just this connection you cant explain. I think you know it when you see it. Its not that you see more that you feel it. I've been lead to my true journey and real desire. I wont be looking back. Here's to truth, loving yourself and others.
Cheers
xoxo