Monday, December 3, 2012

The biggest wake up call...

It just so happens wake up calls can come in the shape of the smallest thing. When that message hits, you sometimes realize your the biggest tool in the tool box. You put yourself in the shoes you decided to wear. You caused all your own pain and hurt from being a closed off, unopened, and untrusting individual. By not being who you truly are and trying to mask all your feelings and flaws. Instead of being direct and forward about everything, you created your own circles to jump through.

People are not really out there trying to hurt you. We are all just looking for the same damn thing. You cant be upset when your not that person for someone. I understand so much more now. I understand that when your looking for someone else your looking for someone who can and will be an extension of yourself. It's your rep on the line.

I fucked up in so many ways. Im not the only one to blame, but Im a big piece of the puzzle. I realized why we aren't friends, because of a like page. Crazy isn't cute either. If you cant handle your drinks and feel good then maybe you need to slow your roll. Its called self control. 

End the end, let the music play. 

Here's to Hope and Redemption!

Monday, November 26, 2012

The man with hidden tattoos

I have some words to share with you. For some reason this is the easiest way for me to do it. I hope you can read me out.

You've been on my mind a lot lately. I thought I let it go, but it appears there was more I wanted you to know. I stopped following because I thought it would help. Then I grew a pair, and woke to realize its about music. You have skill. I understand a little more now. I never told you how I felt or what I wanted, but I'm sure you had some idea.

The first time I saw you
At Mighty for your party and you had a hoop
From that moment I want to know your dark side
Yet, I hope I do not have to say
Did I just want to be him
Or is he someone I use to know
Now wanting to clear the air without all the drama
Fear held me back for the words I should of said to you

No prescription pills here, only fear
Which is worse
Did you return an eye pencil on a stoop?
If so, can I be your beauty?
Only if there is reciprocity
Who cares what the people will say
Either way I will like someone like you

Cheers to inspiration and healing!

Wednesday, October 24, 2012


I'm not one for politics, especially in my love life. My political views are something you really have to earn. Why you might ask? Well they are a little different than most. It's not something I give out so freely. If asked the question, Who I would be voting for in the November election? However, I would answer with honesty.

The American Presidential election is coming up in the next few weeks. It appears to be all the talk in my Facebook news feed. We get it, we get it, Obama vs Romney. But, whatever happened to the other guy? We don't seem to be talking to much about them. Since, I don't have a real choice in the matter. It's either Obama or Romney. I'm praying for the former.

And yes, I will vote for the candidate most in favor of  women rights.  A big part of me doesn't want to vote, even though I understand it makes a big difference. I also understand that my really choice wont matter much, because in America really one the two parties matter. The Democratic and The Republican parties. In this case, I might as well make sure that Obama takes California, even though, I'm fairly certain Obama will win California. Just to be safe, no pin indented, Obama you're my man.

Obama has to win. If he doesn't, then what will become of my sex life? I can personal say I've never had to choose between pro life or pro choice and I hope to never have too. If they will take away my choice, what would happen next? My free access to birth control? It might be a stretch. However, take away my choice is like taking away my rights to birth control. Yes, abortion is a extreme step and last resort on the birth control scale. But if getting denied free birth control is next, then I'd have to be more select on how I sexually engage with others. Not that I'm not already, but sex after marriage might have to come back into play. I'd rather not deal with the fuss  of the stress of producing a fuss.

Maybe we all should be taking this election as a big wake up call. Not just speaking in turns of our love and sex lives but in the sense of being informed. So vote Obama, so women can have more of a choice.  

Sunday, October 14, 2012

A week filled with unexpected weather...

The filth tornado came spinning dangerously and dark, during the week that felt like a month. Through the gray sky, reality was shinning down uncovering what seemed to be only shadows. Those shadows were the ones who were truly dancing. The little light inside was drowning. 

Why you might ask? Well stress induced bodies can only handle so must until they exploded. When that demon takes hold, he breaks down the body immunity system and the nasty disease recks havic on the mind and body. With demons running a muck in your being, one has a hard time keeping emotions in check. Especially if the emotions and desire are not communicated fulling. Not the best way to make a first impression, especially highly intoxicated, and with other challenges in the way.

A day in the desert, can feel like a week to many. However, in the end it was just a day. But how much time do you have to truly spend with someone until you know you like how they feel? Yes, you might not know if you are compatible. Yet, you can know you like the feeling of being in their presences and the way they make you feel. What is in a connections?  It can get very confusing, especially, to someone who is looking for more than just a friendly connection.

Many lessons were learned. You should never push expectations on someone. Especially, if you don't know all their secrets. You could mean the world to someone or you could be a tester. Scaring people off and acting like a crazy are not the cutest qualities in a lady. But hey, at least I was true and honest. I put myself completely out there. The bright side and the dark side were all on the table. It does not get much more uglier than that. I guess a normal person would know, the reason for ones travels, but you if never ask, no one ever tells.  

You know that feeling you get when your mind is spinning and you cant formula a logical sentence? You do, ok, good, because that's when things can be kind of painful. It makes you wonder was their a connection or did I just get womanized? That's when you need to put down the old shit and embrace the present moment. Let it all unfold as it may, because time and love work in mysteries ways. P.S. all that needs to be on your mind is you for the next 10 weeks. Sometimes you need an creative outlet though to keep yourself in check and let emotions go.

This week that felt like a month, would I do it all over?  I wish I could do it all over. Especially Sunday, because that is the day I regret the most. I think remembering the words that were exchanged on a second store patio would of been the best words to discuss again. From what I can remember, it was break up before we could even make up. Still a little confused at what we were breaking up from. I think that was me and all my emotion? With that drunk recall, my hope of anything more came crushing down like a brick wall so when you held my hand I pulled away because I thought I got taken out of them game. I felt I couldn't turn the tide back in my favor.  So romance and physical connection was a bit much, and I didn't want to get sucked in again without having something tangible given in return. However, I wanted physical touch and deepness more than anything, but it appears Im afraid of it. Platonic love...Ill save that one for another day. But maybe I wasn't ready for all that anyway. I know the one will come. The one where we connect and fit perfectly.  The one who makes me better and teaches me the things and I them. The one who lives on my level, in the sense of works hard and plays hard. Who wants me in every way. For the one lives inside me, and it time to shed the darkness and embrace the light without turning back.

We find gems where we go, its the ones that are worth fighting for or where you have to work the most that make it all worth it. Without challenges and time of pain, we would never know how to appreciate the other side.

Show a little more love to get a little more love. 

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Hey you...

Would you like too much or not enough love? Honestly, I'd rather choice the later. If not, well, how will that person ever know. Why would you want to not show love? Well, because not getting it can hurt, but giving can as well. Why or what are we afraid of? The rejections. The moment when you are not the one. The moment when the kind of love you want to receive isn't reciprocated. Connection is necessary and I wanted it. Intensity, is the only thing I'm looking for. Love isn't for the weak, when vulnerability beginnings to hurt, and you're not getting as much as you need. It hurts and is hard.

You shouldn't give all of yourself at once, but you should give yourself to a degree. You're special, baby, start acting like it and demanding respect. You want love, well you need to learn and recognize when its present. If love is not there, it may never be. Your heart is big and you only deserve Worthy ones. Getting ripped off and lied to really sucks, more especially when its with your heart. $25 bucks is nothing.  Well what do you do from there. Umm you grow a pair, duh. No you smile and say thank you, I'm hurt, but I will move on. I love you and wish you the best. But once your emotions and the level of respect drops, you need to left yourself off the hook and swim like a free fishy. Fishers are sneaky ones.

I think giving love is a hard thing to do. How do you give love without giving up you? And not in a physical sense but in an emotion one. How do you protect a heart that is trying to be open? Once that heart is wounded its hard to give it again. BTW, word to to the wise, Do not tell a person they are a beautiful soul and thank them, when they don't even return your text. I'm looking for real love too Hun. Enough said. Cheers, Here's to pulling numbers and chasing summer love.

Thank you to all who inspire me and teach me lessons. Did your mother raise you?

Light Warrior

“the best way to spend your life is through connections.” by Adam, from You Instead.

The light warrior

A man from far away land, who brings nothing but joy where he goes. He walks with confidence. His smile is as bright as the armor he wears to protect himself from his enemies. The light that radiates from his being shines, so big it lights up the darkest of nights and can be seen through the worse of white outs. As our eyes lock, we lingered in a stare for a second longer then we should have for a first time glance. A familiar sense filled my being, it was as if I had met this man once before. His stare penetrated my being in an unexplainable way. This caused me to shyly looked away.

After already meeting someone on my first night in the dust, and not having any satisfaction come out of it, I wasn't looking for anymore intimate interactions and connections. Yet our paths crossed frequently, because of mutual friends. Every time he came around I couldn't keep my eyes off him, not because of his beauty; However, he is a very handsome man. There was something drawing me to him. I just wanted to know who he was and everything about him. It must have been the familiarity I felt. Eventually, we would be introduced. Yet, we did not get the chance to interact much. One, because I wont let it happen. I did not want to be taken over by his powerful presence. I wanted to keep my distance. I was almost resistant to him. He tried to engage with me a few times, but some how we would get interrupted or I would be short with him. I wasn't trying to be rude, but something inside wanted me to protect myself.

I had build up a lot of walls revolving around men. Since he was attractive, I unconsciously didn't want to form any feelings or connection with him. I had come to the desert to get over someone and to lose my ego. I was on a personal journey that I thought didn't involve other people. O how I didn't realize, its the people who make the dessert such an oasis, from their heart and creativity. What I was unaware of was the second half of my journey involved this man to some degree.

He would take me on a journey into the deep depths of a dream. The adventure would start off with the simple of questions, would you like to dance. If you love music and moving your body, that is the last question you can resist. I felt like we just fell into a rhythm like we were the best of friends, or maybe that is what I was after. My last full day in the dust would be celebrated with amazing beats and a wonderful adventure into my heart.

As I sat on a white fuzzy rug under the sun, feeling like I was in a lost world, something turned on inside me. This light warrior had guided me into something I haven't felt in sometime. The light bulb had gone off. I came away from my journey with so much. I was introduced into a different kind of connection within myself and others. I finally felt, that love wasn't a crime. That love was something everyone wants and it was OK to give it. You didn't have to give yourself to give either, which was a very new experience for me. While on that rug, I felt like I was having deja vu, and mention it. The words that came out of this man mouth, made my mind and heart skip a beat. He simply asked, “Are we in my dream or ours?” If felt so serial, but I knew I knew the answer. We were in his dream.

The journey continued into the evening. As we watched a burn, something inside began to continue to grow. The birth of something magical was born as something as the beautiful and delict as the temple was in flames. Some times great things must die for even better things to be born. This is the cycle of life.

After only the ashing remained, reminding us of the beauty, truth was announced. We shared our secrets, what we had written on the walls of the temple. Mine of letting go of a past lover and his of ego. The strange thing was letting go of ego and judgement were the main reason I want to venture into the desert. I happen to find someone who was representing that.

As we parted, a little piece of me hurt. I felt that what I had found inside was going to be taken away, because the person who had helped me find that was possibly going to be gone forever. Would that glow leave with him? No it won't. I will forever be grateful for the moments and connection that was formed and found in the desert. Thank you Light Warrior. You are a beautiful soul. I wish you all the best.

Always and forever...

Sunday, September 16, 2012

The dusty glow

BRC is a magical wonderland that feeds the soul, leaving people with a certain glow. This glow tends to open up the heart and turn off the minds evil voice, ego. Life stresses appear to be the dimmer. As the high fades, the mind begins to stir. Hopefully, Decompression will bring back a little bit of the dusty glow I seem to be tightly holding onto. Reality is setting in and I think its time to let it go.  I don't want to though. 

As the ego awakes, it begins to take hold. I want to stop it. How I thought a part of it dried up during the days I was away. It turns out it was just asleep. Now its time to have the self control to shut it up on my own. If I cant shut it up and make it go away, then I must drowned it in positivity and love. Here's to hope and possibilities.